So today we decided to have a family day out. We packed up the van full of everything we would need and headed off like the Waltons.
The truth is Matilda got to bring home Coco the class monkey from school and we had to take pictures of all the exciting things we do at the weekend. Seeing all the previous pictures of Coco’s adventures we thought we better make an effort.

We headed to a historical house where they had a Xmas decoration event for kids. I had visions of festive songs, mulled wine and a jolly good time making decorations to get us into the Xmas spirit.

How wrong could I be when it actually involved traipsing around the wet, cold and muddy grounds trying to find a trail of tiny boxes each containing stickers and pipe cleaners to collect to make one solitary decoration.

We decided to stop at the on site tea room to get out of the wet and cold. Stopping for food and drink is always my favourite part of any day out and we ordered hot chocolate’s all round. At almost £3 a cup I was excited for the spectacle of cream, marshmallows and 1000 calories that was to greet me. I’ve never been more disappointed in my life to have a mug chucked in front of me containing hot water and clumps of powdered chocolate floating on the surface. You know it’s bad when the lady serving it hands you a spoon saying I need to constantly stir it otherwise the chocolate all sinks to the bottom.

Lukewarm, clumpy chocolate consumed and off we headed to the final stop to make Matilda’s decoration.

This was in a gloomy shed with just a glue stick on a table. Any parent will know how impossible it is to stick pipe cleaners onto anything with a glue stick and our completed decoration will probably last about 10 seconds once hung.

We headed off for a pub lunch which is always a great idea in my book. Full bellies and we were ready to head home but decided to pop into the pharmacy as Marlowe hadn’t had a poo for almost a week.

This is where our day went down hill fast.

The pharmacist told me that we needed to get Marlowe straight to a doctor and made me feel like the worlds worst mum for not doing anything sooner.

We rushed off to the nearest walk in clinic slightly panicked now that our baby was literally bursting with poo.

Matilda started to say she was feeling car sick but she says this every single time we go anywhere. Sometimes I’ve barely even strapped her in and she tells me how sick she’s feeling so I just ignored her, more worried about the unfolding poo situation.

Two seconds later Matilda literally throws up her entire body weight everywhere and it just keeps coming it’s like a bloody tsunami.

In these situations it’s a parent’s job to keep calm and reassure their poor child. Nope I start shouting at Matilda to stop being sick and immediately tell the husband it was his crap driving that caused it. (Obviously I didn’t mean this, his driving is perfectly fine.)

Cue the husband and I stood at the side of the road in the freezing cold trying to figure out how to get Matilda who at this point is completely covered in something that an hour before resembled pasta and ice cream out of the van without redecorating ourselves. Successful manoeuvre of ‘drag and slide’ complete and I set to work stripping my poor child off at roadside whilst gagging and retching like I’m eating crocodile testicles on that celebrity jungle show.

Meanwhile the seagulls are already swooping delighted with their feast of deconstructed pub lunch currently adorning the tarmac.

Back in the now stinking van and off to the hospital for Marlowe who I had forgotten had been left in the boot of the van prior to the ‘drag and slide’.

It’s now getting dark and we are driving around an abandoned industrial estate trying to find the hospital and the smell inside the van is getting worse. We finally get back on track and locate the hospital which we suddenly realised we recognised from the pack of seagulls helping themselves to something on the ground. Yep we had actually been parked in the hospital car park during the puke episode without realising!

I spend the next hour or so in the waiting room of the hospital with Marlowe whilst the husband and Matilda have to sit in the van as Matilda is wearing nothing but pants.

Finally get to see the doctor who was lovely and said the pharmacist was talking nonsense and it’s perfectly normal for some babies to not have a poo for a while. Sent on our merry way and finally back home where low and behold Marlowe decides now is a great time to casually empty his bowels oblivious to the last few hours of panic and worry!

Anyway at least we have some great pictures for Matilda’s school project showing our perfect Saturday. If only they knew!!